I’m eighteen, from Moscow, and right now I’m completely naked in some small porn studio for my very first casting. The lights are warm, the air smells like coffee, and the guy behind the camera is actually nice. That surprises me. He asks why I’m still a virgin. I laugh and tell him straight.
Because I’m a total control freak. Everything has to go exactly my way, or it doesn’t happen at all.
Take my ex Dima. He had this huge mirror right in front of his bed. Every time he invited me over to “finally do it”, he spent the whole time staring at himself: flexing, kissing his own biceps, making stupid faces. I wasn’t even in the scene for him . I left with my clothes still on and never went back. The others weren’t worth it either. No one ever let me be in charge, so I stayed a virgin. Simple. Then he asks if I ever tried girls. Yes. With my roommate Katya. We share a tiny flat near Patriarch’s Ponds. One freezing winter night we got drunk on cheap red wine and started complaining that neither of us had ever had good sex. The movie was boring, the room was warm from the little heater, and suddenly I just leaned over and kissed her. Soft, then deeper. She tasted like wine and strawberry lip balm. We stumbled to my bed, laughing because our hands were shaking. Clothes came off slowly. She had my oversized hoodie on and nothing underneath; it looked adorable on her small body. We touched everywhere: breasts, stomachs, thighs, between legs. Everything felt warm and soft and brand new. I kissed her neck, her nipples, down her belly. When my mouth got close to her pussy we both froze, got shy, and burst out laughing into each other’s skin. We tried rubbing against each other for a bit, but we were clumsy and drunk and it turned into more giggles than moans. In the end we just curled up naked, legs tangled, hearts racing, and fell asleep. Next morning we blushed, made coffee, and pretended nothing happened. We still live together, still best friends, still both virgins. I barely even masturbate. University, two jobs, contemporary dance classes, endless metro rides. Sometimes I start in the shower, but the hot water always dies before I finish. It drives me insane.
That’s exactly why I’m here today. Not for money yet. Just to finally say all of this out loud. To be naked and not hide. To relax on the seat I was given for the shooting, spread my legs wide, change into position I want and touch myself exactly how I need: slow circles, my rhythm, my pressure, no rush, no one telling me what to do.
He smiles softly and says whenever you’re ready.
So I am. I lie down, open my knees, breathe deep, and for the first time in my life I give myself all the time in the world. Today, finally, everything is my way. Because somehow I managed to get an orgasm and even the producer was shocked and loss for words.
